STRONG EMOTIONS - HOW ARE YOU GOING TO RESPOND?
- Key Verse
"My troubled thoughts prompt me to answer because I am greatly disturbed. I hear a rebuke that dishonors me, and my understanding inspires me to reply." (Job 20:2-3)
READ THE CHAPTER
Central Truth
Behind strong emotions there is always a cry to be understood and a desire for empathy and compassion. The question is, if you are on the receiving end of those emotions, can you get past your own emotions long enough to realize this and respond in love?
Reflections
We’ve all been there! You pour your heart out to a friend looking for understanding, but in return you are met with defensiveness, rebuke, or retaliation. Job was seeking friendship at one of the lowest points in his life, but instead received defensiveness and criticism. Zophar’s reply is typical, especially for us guys, when we feel attacked or dishonored. Zophar felt offended by Job’s previous comments and immediately he stopped listening and begin to prepare his defense.
This passage really hit home for me because my wife recently went through her own Job experience. While traveling to Italy she became severely ill with a ruptured appendix; she then spent weeks in a foreign hospital trying to recover. Once finally back to the U.S., she developed more complications which required another surgery and endless trips to specialists. All the while she was bedridden for over a year, and lost her strength, her weight, and almost her life.
During this period I found myself struggling with the same problem that Zophar had. My wife would pour her heart out to me, needing me to listen and understand, but all I could hear was the things I was doing wrong. In my mind I shut down and began to prepare my defense. I struggled to put my emotions aside long enough to hear and understand what she was going through.
Fortunately, God was at work in the midst of all this and was teaching me valuable lessons of humility, gentleness, and empathy. God helped me to understand that my wife was simply expressing strong emotions during a very difficult time, not blaming me or accusing me. This really took the burden off of me trying to defend myself, or to fix her or the situation, and to just listen and acknowledge what she was feeling and going through. I found that when I did this, it made an amazing difference. A huge burden was lifted from my wife when I simply validated what she was going through and came along side her.
Discussion Questions
1. Describe a time when you responded with criticism or harshness to a friend or loved one that just needed you to listen and be understanding. What was the outcome?
2. How would the outcome have been different if you would have responded with understanding, gentleness, and compassion?
3. What are the triggers that cause you to respond defensively or with criticism, and how can you recognize them and react differently?
Chip Smith
March 26, 2010 09:02 AM
Great insight and application into this chapter, Brian. I really like the focus you brought to this chapter. It reminded me of the "Fifth Habit" in Stephen Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People:" Seek First to Understand before You are Understood. Again, this all goes back to personal choice at that moment between stimulus and response. At that moment, I can choose to be selfish or to be selfless. Diana and I practice a communication technique called the "Speaker/Listener" technique. It really keeps the conversation from escalating into a situation where you say things you wish you hadn't and helps you understand where the other person is coming from. It is based on James 1:19-20, "...be quick to listen, slow to speak." For more information, go to the Marriage Missions' website: http://www.marriagemissions.com/the-speaker-listener-technique/
Thom Kurtz
March 26, 2010 09:50 AM
Your insight and transparency are really inspiring for me today, brother, as I am making arrangements to travel to help my brother care for my aging mom, who has had to go on long-term oxygen therapy. Thank you very much for your encouragement and sharing your journey with us.
Beckye Estill
March 26, 2010 12:49 PM
Thank you for sharing this, Brian! What a blessing for your wife as she was going through that difficult time. What a difference it makes to those in need. And you exhibited great wisdom as a husband in ministering to your wife. Thanks for sharing so openly with us.
Cindy S Brown
March 26, 2010 07:02 AM
Brian, Thank you for the great devotional! I am so sorry to hear about the struggles you and Lora have been going thru but thankful that God's faithfulness got you thru them! God has also been teaching me that most of the time I need to be a compassionate listener and only offer my advice or opinion when I hear the words, "What do you think I should fo?" it's interesting how seldom people say that! Even when they do, I should be prepared yo offer them Gos d's words rather than my own! Still working on that one!
norma harais
March 26, 2010 07:36 AM
I can relate to your story -- my mom's appendix also burst many years ago and she had gangrene everywhere inside her. But my toughest "walk with someone" has been my best friend who has breast cancer that has matastasized to her bone. I'm a do-er and don't like to sit still for very long. God knows how difficult it is for me to sit, listen and just be with someone for support and understanding. And I have to shamefully admit that sometimes i have rolled my eyes at her complaining and misery. But it's been 1 1/2 years now and God has shown me miracles and lessons of what it means to share those burdens in love. Thank you for your personal story and the reminder for us to take off our armor of defense so we are free to give hugs and understanding...
Morgan James
March 26, 2010 07:39 AM
Thank you so much that is just what I needed to start off the day!